I Ask, Why?

Yom Kipur began at sundown last night.  As someone who is Jewish by ethnic heritage but not that religious, I still hold this holiday in awe.  I no longer fast, and I do not attend religious services, but I stay off the Internet and social media and keep a low profile.   So, this post is being written before sundown on Tuesday.

Let me explain about the last 24 hours.

My mother in law is 90.  She's a three time cancer survivor and has been a widow for almost 20 years.  She raised four good children. I'm married to the oldest.  One is developmentally disabled, and she did the best she could in a time when such children, many times were institutionalized.

It has not been a good age 90 for her, as a mix of dementia and medical issues have created the need for her to have 24 hour care. The family finally had to make the decision to put her into a skilled nursing facility.  This decision was gut-wrenching.  Since April, she has been hospitalized...oh, let's see, five times for pneumonia. I'm actually starting to lose track.

So, at 10:45 last (Monday) night, the phone rang. It was the facility she lives in. Upshot was, my mother in law was on the way to her next pneumonia hospitalization.  It was not unexpected.

Making a long story short, we weren't able to see her in the emergency room (ER) until almost midnight.  The drive, thankfully, was short, but it was through the remnants of what was once Hurricane Florence.  The rain was coming down in torrents.  Water was collecting on the sidewalk as we sloshed to the ER entrance.  This hospital turned out to be full - nay, past full, with ER patients everywhere.  But my mother in law had gotten a room.

My mother in law was scared.  She was asking for her autistic son. (In case you wonder, he now lives in what is called a supportive apartment.  But part of the autistic package is anxiety, and he knows his Mom is heading towards the finish line. And she forgets he no longer lives with her.).  She kept trying to talk. With a mask over her head (to help her breathe), it really wasn't possible.   She begged for water, something she could not have under the circumstances.

Every time I see my mother in law, I see a once vital woman.  When she is feeling good she laughs, remembers the past (the present is usually a bit beyond her), tells the same stories six times.  She has a hearty appetite - eats more than a lot of the residents. When she is not feeling good...well, those moments are more and more frequent.  We see her suffer, again and again, especially during these hospitalizations.

I can truly tell you that, as much as my sister in law and I have had our "moments" with her, there are many who love her.  And if you don't love her (and I do), you have to admire her.

They finally found a room for her and she is hospitalized.   I pray she gets better, but then it's back to the facility.  Rinse and repeat.  In six weeks, will she be back in the hospital?

Was this what old age was supposed to be?  Is all this part of our Creator's plan, to have her suffer so much?  Was it? (I'm not asking for an answer.  I suspect I won't get one in this life.)

I never was a deep thinker but I ponder this more and more, especially now, on Yom Kipur eve.

But wait, there's more.

When we started the drive home, bleery from lack of sleep, there was even more water.  We were fortunate - we are safe and didn't have to travel through any flooded roads.  But flash flooding has hit various places in our area - no, nothing like North Carolina, but extensive.  Right now, my son's town is under a state of emergency.  At least one local business, flooded at the beginning of their busy season, has to make the decision on whether to come back or not.  It's their second flood. They make the best holiday cookies ever.  It's a family business.

I can be grateful I wasn't flooded - this time.

A lot of things to ponder tonight and tomorrow.

And I, like many before me, ask....why?