What follows is a post from 2011. My mother in law was 83 years old when this event happened. And today, we will spend time with my mother in law's family, including some of these same people, mourning her passing but also celebrating her life.
Now that my mother in law is no longer with us a lot of memories have come up. This is a good one.
As background to this story, my mother in law had a dizzy
spell in her house and fell. She sprained her ankle and bruised
herself up badly. The recovery was going to take a while. Back then, we lived 150 miles from her.
What happened next? Panic time. Mom was going to have limited mobility
and a long recovery time. We'd have to cook for her, help clean for
her, take care of shopping and transportation needs - from 150 miles
away.
But then, to the rescue...and here is the post from 2011:
There were several sets of guardian angels in my mother in law's life,
and yesterday we all converged on my mother in law's house for a BBQ we
had promised as a thank you.
Two sets of nieces and nephews, and a single niece, sprung into action
to help my mother in law out. These weren't local people either. They
lived closer than we do, but they still had to drive a bit. One of the
duos sometimes came out more than once a week. They all had experience
with caregiving for their elderly parents (in all cases, since
deceased). They did many things, too many things to mention, to help
her recovery and make her everyday life easier. I learned a lot from
the experience. I know we are going to have many more adventures in our
care giving journey. I know this is only the beginning.
All of these relatives, and you know who you are, thank you. You will always have a special place in my heart.
One of the nieces, during this whole process, gave me almost nightly
updates on Facebook. We kept in touch with my mother in law, of course,
and visited when we could, and other siblings helped out also. But we
both work, and anyone who has done long distance caregiving knows how
difficult it can be. I know it is only going to get worse. We've been
lucky so far.
In our case, the fact that my mother in law lives with her
developmentally disabled son just added to the complications. That's
worth a blog post all by itself.
Thankfully, my mother in law is a lot better now. But time marches on
and she is very frustrated at what the aging process has done to her.
Today, the weather cooperated. My spouse (the family cook) grilled hamburgers, white hots (a type of bockwurst popular in our part of upstate NY), pork tenderloin spiedies (spiedies are
another specialty food of our area), and grilled vegetables. Everyone
else brought a covered dish or a dessert. Two people brought their
I-Pads and owning one is very tantalizing. One of the men brought a
remote control helicopter, called a Parrot, which is controlled through
an I-Pad. If I'm up to it, I'll post some pictures of the adventures of
the Parrot later this week.
One of the couples brought their daughter. What a smart, well poised cousin my husband has. This is a
young woman who is going to go places. She pitched right in and did
more than her share of the cleanup.
After dinner, my mother in law brought her wedding photo album out for some family memories.
There was a lot of sadness in watching my mother in law age. She's
always been a hard worker, and it is so hard for her to sit down and let
other people do the work. She kept herself in shape when younger, but
time takes its toll on everyone. A stroke several years ago didn't help
her, either.
And now, in 2018, she's gone, and today, we pay tribute to her.
Showing posts with label long distance caregiving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label long distance caregiving. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
Monday, September 28, 2015
Not Forgetting to Remember
It was still another message on the phone, asking my spouse and me to do something related to the care my spouse and I help to provide for both an elderly and a disabled relative, and my mind wanted to go "pop". So, I forced myself to step back.
Sometimes, there are just not enough hours in the day for most of us. But then, there are also flashes of seeing another side of life, a side where we who give care depend on the kindness or effort of others, and sometimes we just don't pay them enough thanks.
Sometimes, we are so harried and forgetful, and we forget to see past ourselves, our own problems, and realize what we have been granted - friendship, support, and kindness.
Today, I want to say "thank you" to some of the people in our lives we could not have made it through the past months without:
The cousin who, seeing how we were struggling with a last minute deadline, switched with someone else at his job, and came by at 7:30 the next morning, with his patient and strong son in tow, to help us out. We never could have met a deadline without this act of kindness.
My mother in law's neighbor, who has been more of a help than we can ever thank her.
My son. Your grandmother appreciates everything you did.
The co-workers who gave me support, and listened to a rant or two (or three, or....I'm not saying how many.)
A couple of in laws and their spouses or significant others, and other relatives, for what they did to help us. It's too long a list to publish.
My spouse, who puts up with my impatient and emotional nature.
A geriatric care manager, who gave us more support than she will ever know.
Staff of a certain ARC chapter, for their years of service to my brother in law "B", who has autism.
Various medical people. The nurses who do the work and tend to be forgotten, especially.
I know I have missed people in this list. If I missed you,know that I still appreciated you.
And finally, you, my readers, during this time of me not commenting on their comments, not reading their blogs, being somewhat self-centered at times. They forgive me for rerunning posts of the past from time to time (to time). This situation will probably exist for at a while longer, and I appreciate your patience.
Have you ever depended on the support of others?
Sometimes, there are just not enough hours in the day for most of us. But then, there are also flashes of seeing another side of life, a side where we who give care depend on the kindness or effort of others, and sometimes we just don't pay them enough thanks.
Sometimes, we are so harried and forgetful, and we forget to see past ourselves, our own problems, and realize what we have been granted - friendship, support, and kindness.
Today, I want to say "thank you" to some of the people in our lives we could not have made it through the past months without:
The cousin who, seeing how we were struggling with a last minute deadline, switched with someone else at his job, and came by at 7:30 the next morning, with his patient and strong son in tow, to help us out. We never could have met a deadline without this act of kindness.
My mother in law's neighbor, who has been more of a help than we can ever thank her.
My son. Your grandmother appreciates everything you did.
The co-workers who gave me support, and listened to a rant or two (or three, or....I'm not saying how many.)
A couple of in laws and their spouses or significant others, and other relatives, for what they did to help us. It's too long a list to publish.
My spouse, who puts up with my impatient and emotional nature.
A geriatric care manager, who gave us more support than she will ever know.
Staff of a certain ARC chapter, for their years of service to my brother in law "B", who has autism.
Various medical people. The nurses who do the work and tend to be forgotten, especially.
I know I have missed people in this list. If I missed you,know that I still appreciated you.
And finally, you, my readers, during this time of me not commenting on their comments, not reading their blogs, being somewhat self-centered at times. They forgive me for rerunning posts of the past from time to time (to time). This situation will probably exist for at a while longer, and I appreciate your patience.
Have you ever depended on the support of others?
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Update on Yesterday's Post
Thank you to my readers who expressed concern about a transformer fire at a nuclear power plant about 16 miles from where I was visiting in laws on Saturday night, and their safety.
The power plant, Indian Point, provides power to millions of people in New York City and Westchester County, a county just to the north of New York City.
I want to assure everyone that the power plant did not explode. A transformer (a device that takes electricity manufactured by the plant and converts it to a level usable by the public) failed and caught on fire. The fire was extinguished but reunited, was extinguished again, and chemicals from the fire were released into the Hudson River. Now, there are pollution concerns.
There was no release of radiation, according to authorities, but, again, there are concerns about the release of this fluid into the Hudson River. Also, according to authorities, there have been other incidents.
Quoting from the New York Times:
If there had been an incident Saturday night, we would have been there to help evacuate my mother in law and developmentally disabled brother in law. But we wouldn't even have known the evacuation route to use. Would there have been buses available? My mother in law no longer drives at night.
Just another aspect of long distance caregiving.
The power plant, Indian Point, provides power to millions of people in New York City and Westchester County, a county just to the north of New York City.
I want to assure everyone that the power plant did not explode. A transformer (a device that takes electricity manufactured by the plant and converts it to a level usable by the public) failed and caught on fire. The fire was extinguished but reunited, was extinguished again, and chemicals from the fire were released into the Hudson River. Now, there are pollution concerns.
There was no release of radiation, according to authorities, but, again, there are concerns about the release of this fluid into the Hudson River. Also, according to authorities, there have been other incidents.
Quoting from the New York Times:
"Mr.
Cuomo [NY's governor] said there had been too many emergencies recently involving
Indian Point. Unit 3 was shut down Thursday morning for an unrelated
issue — a water leak on the nonnuclear side of the plant.
“We have to get to the bottom of this,” the governor said."
In the meantime, the plant remains offline.
If there had been an incident Saturday night, we would have been there to help evacuate my mother in law and developmentally disabled brother in law. But we wouldn't even have known the evacuation route to use. Would there have been buses available? My mother in law no longer drives at night.
Just another aspect of long distance caregiving.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Just Another Day
This weekend, I visited my mother in law with my spouse and son in an area North of New York City. We wanted to spend Mother's Day with her.
Tired, my mother in law went to bed early Saturday, and I turned on my computer. Trending on Facebook was a news item. It got my attention quickly.
A transformer at a nuclear power plant had exploded about 6 pm.
The Governor of New York was giving a news conference.
At first, we were told all was well - well, sort of. There had been a fire. But the reactor had shut down safely, as it was designed to do.
My mother in law lives about 16 miles from that nuclear power plant, which is called Indian Point. On the highway, near her exit, is a sign announcing an evacuation route. We passed it Saturday without much thought.
Now, the public is being told that runoff from fighting the fire may have entered the Hudson River.
Indian Point is about fifty miles north of New York City, and the Hudson empties into the ocean at New York City. This is not news welcome to anyone living along the Hudson, including the eight million odd people living in New York City.
I had a nightmare thought about what would happen if my mother in law and my developmentally disabled brother in law did have to be evacuated. It could happen, but, more realistically (I think) it would be due to weather than due to nuclear disaster. Yet, living some 150 miles from them, it has worried us for years. In a snowstorm, for example, it might be difficult to reach them as we have to pass through the Catskill Mountains.
A potential nuclear disaster 16 miles from family? Just another day in the life of a long distance caregiver.
Tired, my mother in law went to bed early Saturday, and I turned on my computer. Trending on Facebook was a news item. It got my attention quickly.
A transformer at a nuclear power plant had exploded about 6 pm.
The Governor of New York was giving a news conference.
At first, we were told all was well - well, sort of. There had been a fire. But the reactor had shut down safely, as it was designed to do.
My mother in law lives about 16 miles from that nuclear power plant, which is called Indian Point. On the highway, near her exit, is a sign announcing an evacuation route. We passed it Saturday without much thought.
Now, the public is being told that runoff from fighting the fire may have entered the Hudson River.
Indian Point is about fifty miles north of New York City, and the Hudson empties into the ocean at New York City. This is not news welcome to anyone living along the Hudson, including the eight million odd people living in New York City.
I had a nightmare thought about what would happen if my mother in law and my developmentally disabled brother in law did have to be evacuated. It could happen, but, more realistically (I think) it would be due to weather than due to nuclear disaster. Yet, living some 150 miles from them, it has worried us for years. In a snowstorm, for example, it might be difficult to reach them as we have to pass through the Catskill Mountains.
A potential nuclear disaster 16 miles from family? Just another day in the life of a long distance caregiver.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
The Financial Elephant in the Cancer Room
Life is sure full of surprises.
Small surprises. 48 degrees F (8.8 C) when I woke up yesterday morning - in January. Right now it's -3 at our airport (-19.4 C) with wind chills of -23 (-30C) or more. No surprise there-it was forecast.
But I walked into my exercise class last night with no fresh snow on the ground (most of last week's storm melted) and walked out to find we were in the middle of a lake effect snow squall. It won't be major for us, but parts of upstate New York may get four feet (1.21 meters) of snow. And even the cold - it's not extreme, compared to what has been happening in the middle of our country.
It's winter. No surprise.
But yesterday, we did get a surprise, in a phone call my spouse made to his mother's oncologist. We've been trying to get some information on a radioactive implant she will have implanted on Wednesday. Other relatives may have to spend two hours (or more, depending on traffic) in a car with her, transporting her home. We've been trying to find out for over a week if that will be safe for the people in the car.
We still didn't get the information we needed. But, while the person who answered the phone was trying to locate someone who could answer the question, she happened to mention that my mother in law had to pay 20% of the cost of the surgery (the bill for this one doctor, I'm assuming) up front. As in, on Wednesday. Before the surgery takes place.
"We take credit cards", the helpful woman on the phone offered. And then:
"Your mother should have been told that at her last visit." (which we weren't at, but that's somewhat besides the point right now.)
SURPRISE!
Yes, the financial elephant in the cancer room has trumpeted. How is my mother in law going to pay for her cancer treatment? We know this is just the beginning.
It's the question that occurs when you are diagnosed, but you are also trying to navigate your way through this brave new world called Long Distance Caregiving of Someone with Cancer. Which isn't as bad, granted, as the "Tag, You're It! You have cancer!" announcement that my mother in law got back late last year.
It's the same question that each and every person diagnosed with cancer in our country must answer, one way or the other.
It's not like an unexpected squall of snow or a short below zero cold wave. But, it's just one more item on this list of worries we are accumulating and want to shield my mother in law from.
The elephant is waiting, in a room in New York City, and he is demanding to be fed.
Small surprises. 48 degrees F (8.8 C) when I woke up yesterday morning - in January. Right now it's -3 at our airport (-19.4 C) with wind chills of -23 (-30C) or more. No surprise there-it was forecast.
But I walked into my exercise class last night with no fresh snow on the ground (most of last week's storm melted) and walked out to find we were in the middle of a lake effect snow squall. It won't be major for us, but parts of upstate New York may get four feet (1.21 meters) of snow. And even the cold - it's not extreme, compared to what has been happening in the middle of our country.
It's winter. No surprise.
But yesterday, we did get a surprise, in a phone call my spouse made to his mother's oncologist. We've been trying to get some information on a radioactive implant she will have implanted on Wednesday. Other relatives may have to spend two hours (or more, depending on traffic) in a car with her, transporting her home. We've been trying to find out for over a week if that will be safe for the people in the car.
We still didn't get the information we needed. But, while the person who answered the phone was trying to locate someone who could answer the question, she happened to mention that my mother in law had to pay 20% of the cost of the surgery (the bill for this one doctor, I'm assuming) up front. As in, on Wednesday. Before the surgery takes place.
"We take credit cards", the helpful woman on the phone offered. And then:
"Your mother should have been told that at her last visit." (which we weren't at, but that's somewhat besides the point right now.)
SURPRISE!
Yes, the financial elephant in the cancer room has trumpeted. How is my mother in law going to pay for her cancer treatment? We know this is just the beginning.
It's the question that occurs when you are diagnosed, but you are also trying to navigate your way through this brave new world called Long Distance Caregiving of Someone with Cancer. Which isn't as bad, granted, as the "Tag, You're It! You have cancer!" announcement that my mother in law got back late last year.
It's the same question that each and every person diagnosed with cancer in our country must answer, one way or the other.
It's not like an unexpected squall of snow or a short below zero cold wave. But, it's just one more item on this list of worries we are accumulating and want to shield my mother in law from.
The elephant is waiting, in a room in New York City, and he is demanding to be fed.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Winter Storm Heartburn
So....we are under a winter storm warning here in upstate New York. So, I am posting early just in case our power goes out. I think it is just going to be snow where we live (amount unknown) but where my aging mother in law lives, it is going to be a blizzard. And people who could normally take her in are in the same situation.
This is when long distance caregiving gets interesting, because my elderly relative is so resistant to leaving her home for any reason. We were able to get her to safety for Sandy (a combination of a relative and a family friend took her in) but this time the caregivers may be in a worse situation than she will be.
We are working on it. Oh, what fun....please, let me remember this so I don't put my son through this type of thing when my time comes.
This is when long distance caregiving gets interesting, because my elderly relative is so resistant to leaving her home for any reason. We were able to get her to safety for Sandy (a combination of a relative and a family friend took her in) but this time the caregivers may be in a worse situation than she will be.
We are working on it. Oh, what fun....please, let me remember this so I don't put my son through this type of thing when my time comes.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Loss of Independence Day
One fall is all it takes when you are in your 80's. One fall to take away your independence.
There's no manual for loved ones of elderly parents or in laws. Seems you have to make it up as you go along.
My mother in law lives about 3 hours away from us, so my spouse and I are technically "long distance caregivers". We are fortunate that my mother in law (who lives with, and cares for, a developmentally disabled son) (her choice) is fiercely independent and is a mentally strong person.
A two time cancer survivor, she struggles with various physical issues, including residual weaknesses on her left side from a small stroke, and a bad knee due to arthritis.
BUT....she has fallen several times. She's always had balance problems, even when she was younger. She walked for exercise, but it wasn't enough. It is scary to see this woman (who I have known for over 40 years) age, because in some ways I see myself in her. It's like a "coming attractions" of a bad, sad movie, and I know I have to work to avoid her fate. If at all possible.
She has had several falls serious enough to require medical attention, and each one is harder and harder to recover from.
The last fall was yesterday, surrounded by loving relatives at Easter dinner. It only took a second, and she was there on the fall, with a gash in her arm. It was a miracle she didn't hit her head.
Fortunately one of the relatives present was a caregiver at one time (her parents are both dead now) and knew just what to do. I tried to absorb what she did.
The fall before that, late last year, she fell into a curio cabinet, remained conscious, and was able to talk to her son, and give him directions. She was able to call someone nearby who is a nurse and thank heavens that person was home. But I truly don't know what he would do if she was unconscious.
She does wear one of the "call for help" buttons. She's had the service for several years.
But we are three hours away and both of us work.Thankfully, our son is grown. She has a daughter closer, but that daughter is single, works full time, and lives in constant jeopardy of being laid off. And meanwhile....my mother in law doesn't want Meals on Wheels. She doesn't want "government" help. She pays for lawn care and a weekly housekeeper but my instinct is, that isn't enough anymore.
If we started calling her daily she would not take that well. Anything that smells like "you aren't independent anymore" is not wanted. At least at this point of time, she can drive, but we don't know how long that will last. Her area doesn't have good public transportation.
So we walk what seems like a tightrope. We want to respect her wishes, which are to be independent. But we fear for her safety. Relatives she depended on a lot for moral support just moved to Florida in their retirement. She does have a support system but....
One day that day is going to come, the day she can no longer be independent. She doesn't want that day to come anytime soon. I don't want it to come, either, for her sake and mine. How do we best make that happen?
Have you been a long distance caregiver of an elderly parent or in law? I would love to hear from you.
There's no manual for loved ones of elderly parents or in laws. Seems you have to make it up as you go along.
My mother in law lives about 3 hours away from us, so my spouse and I are technically "long distance caregivers". We are fortunate that my mother in law (who lives with, and cares for, a developmentally disabled son) (her choice) is fiercely independent and is a mentally strong person.
A two time cancer survivor, she struggles with various physical issues, including residual weaknesses on her left side from a small stroke, and a bad knee due to arthritis.
BUT....she has fallen several times. She's always had balance problems, even when she was younger. She walked for exercise, but it wasn't enough. It is scary to see this woman (who I have known for over 40 years) age, because in some ways I see myself in her. It's like a "coming attractions" of a bad, sad movie, and I know I have to work to avoid her fate. If at all possible.
She has had several falls serious enough to require medical attention, and each one is harder and harder to recover from.
The last fall was yesterday, surrounded by loving relatives at Easter dinner. It only took a second, and she was there on the fall, with a gash in her arm. It was a miracle she didn't hit her head.
Fortunately one of the relatives present was a caregiver at one time (her parents are both dead now) and knew just what to do. I tried to absorb what she did.
The fall before that, late last year, she fell into a curio cabinet, remained conscious, and was able to talk to her son, and give him directions. She was able to call someone nearby who is a nurse and thank heavens that person was home. But I truly don't know what he would do if she was unconscious.
She does wear one of the "call for help" buttons. She's had the service for several years.
But we are three hours away and both of us work.Thankfully, our son is grown. She has a daughter closer, but that daughter is single, works full time, and lives in constant jeopardy of being laid off. And meanwhile....my mother in law doesn't want Meals on Wheels. She doesn't want "government" help. She pays for lawn care and a weekly housekeeper but my instinct is, that isn't enough anymore.
If we started calling her daily she would not take that well. Anything that smells like "you aren't independent anymore" is not wanted. At least at this point of time, she can drive, but we don't know how long that will last. Her area doesn't have good public transportation.
So we walk what seems like a tightrope. We want to respect her wishes, which are to be independent. But we fear for her safety. Relatives she depended on a lot for moral support just moved to Florida in their retirement. She does have a support system but....
One day that day is going to come, the day she can no longer be independent. She doesn't want that day to come anytime soon. I don't want it to come, either, for her sake and mine. How do we best make that happen?
Have you been a long distance caregiver of an elderly parent or in law? I would love to hear from you.
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