A New Blue Christmas

Every year, it's become a holiday tradition on my blog to rerun a post from 2009 about Blue Christmases.  This year, I' not going to do it.  Instead, I am going to write a new post from scratch.

Many of us enjoy the December holiday of our faith or ethnic heritage, be it Christmas, Hanukkah, or something else.  But that feeling of joy isn't universal.

I've been there (more than once) but I haven't had it rough the way many in our world are having it now.

War.  Famine.  Fear of persecution.  Involuntary separation from family.  Sickness (COVID is on the rise here in the United States, along with the more traditional flu and RSV).  Death. Gun violence. Weather.  It's a long list.

There are the people in several communities in Tennessee who experienced tornadoes the other day.

There are the people in Texas, in Las Vegas, in Maine, and in many other places, who are suffering due to mass shootings these past months.  It's become an everyday occurrence.

Someone I work with lost his mother a couple of weeks ago.  Another person lost his father.

But they are supposed to be happy? Really?

At least in the United States, Christmas is everywhere, and I do mean everywhere.  It starts in August.

It's in full swing now.

Maybe you wonder why you didn't have the strength to decorate this year.  Or you wondered if you dared put out outdoor displays proving you were an "other":  not a member of the dominant faith. Or you are sick of the whole package.  You want out.

I'm here to say "Don't feel ashamed.  Don't question your feelings.  Don't put yourself down." 

I remember the year my father in law went to bed on Christmas night (we were there visiting and staying overnight) and was no longer with us the following morning.  We spent the day after Christmas planning his funeral and notifying family and friends.

I remember when my mother in law died the day after Thanksgiving, five years ago.  I so didn't want to be around Christmas.   My spouse, my grown son and visited relatives in New York City.  We didn't go into Manhattan. We didn't see the Rockefeller Center tree.  We didn't look at the decorated store windows in Midtown.   We avoided Christmas all we could.  On Christmas Day we went to a movie and then to a kosher deli for dinner.

That's what I needed and I'm grateful I had family to make it happen.

It has been said many times, many ways, that "Blue Christmas" is more than an Elvis song.  For those who have experienced loss:  loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, loss of a job, loss of feelings of safety, the month of December is hard.  Wherever you go in these United States, you are surrounded by smiling Santas, by holiday decorations. There are endless carols blaring at work, at the supermarket, at the mall, all hinting that everyone is happy.  Except you.

It's OK to feel that way.   I can guarantee you are not alone, both in the secular world and the religious world.

 Several Christian denominations commemorate Blue Christmas with a special service on the day of the Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year. These services recognize the grief and pain of those attending the services.  These services may be opened to those of all faiths or no faiths.  Other religions (such as Judaism) have their ways of recognizing this sadness, too.

I hope you find something to help you through the hard times.  And I hope that, eventually, things will get better for you.

2022 Blue Christmas

This past weekend, we would have celebrated my mother in law's 95th birthday.

Repeating a post I first wrote in 2009 has become a holiday tradition for this blog, because not everyone has a happy holiday season.

We've had several instances of deaths around the holidays in my family.  My father in law died overnight on Christmas, 1998.  In 2015, our family (inlaws) experienced holiday death in the family again when brother in law's mother in law passed away right after Thanksgiving.  In 2018, my mother in law died the day after Thanksgiving.  Two weeks later, a first cousin of my husbands' passed away unexpectedly after a brief hospitalization.  We had just seen him at my mother inlaw's wake. 

Needless to say, we aren't the only ones sharing in this type of trauma.

But none of us ever dreamed we would spend over two years in a pandemic and another few months trying to reorient ourselves to what sounds like a cliche - our new normal.

Now, the sorrow of loss is shared by the families of over one million people in the United States, lost to us from COVID.. Not only that, but there is the "hidden pandemic" - all the children (over 140,000) who have lost one or both primary caregivers due to COVID-19. 

The secular Christmas, the Christmas of shopping, spending, decorating, and eating seems to be more intense this year than in a long time.  For those left out, it is more painful than ever.  What my family went through pales in comparison.

My writing has become more polished over the years but I am not going to do any editing.  This voice from the past is speaking to me, and I hope its message will help some of my readers.

Here's my original post from 2009. 

To those new to the club of Blue Christmas, I don't have much wisdom to impart to you.  I hope you find some value in the following.  Remember, your feelings are legitimate and everyone feels grief on their own schedule.  Grief does not take a holiday for The Holidays.

Tis the Season....for Sadness (unedited, from 2009)

Happy Holidays!

No, that's not true.

The holidays are not happy for everyone. 

11 years ago December 25.....  Spouse and I were at my in-laws on Christmas Day.  They live about 150 miles from where we live.  We had a nice day with other family members, and settled down to watch "It's a Wonderful Life"  with my mother in law and father in law.  Then we went to bed.

My father in law never woke up.  He died during the night of a massive heart attack, his third.

Imagine my mother in law, spending the day after Christmas arranging for the funeral of her husband of nearly 50 years.    The decisions that had to be made quickly, oh so quickly.  The little things, like flowers being almost impossible to come by (flowers being a part of their culture's funeral tradition).  Or us having to borrow clothes for the funeral-most people don't visit for Christmas with black clothes in their suitcase!  Those little details, in a sea of all the major details, on a holiday weekend.

The family gathered again but this time for a much sadder occasion.  Many people came to the funeral home, and it was a great comfort.  But then everyone had to go home, including us.

And then the next Christmas rolled around.  It was not easy.  But we survived, and each year it became easier.  My mother in law has established her independence, and enjoys Christmas with family.

It never goes away but it does become easier.  Although, I have never watched "It's a Wonderful Life" again.

Years ago I worked with someone whose husband died from cancer on Thanksgiving.  In my youth I couldn't understand why Thanksgiving was so hard for her.

Now I understand.

"Blue Christmas" is more than an Elvis song.  For those who have experienced loss:  loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, loss of a job, the holidays can be so hard to survive, even if you are not a Christian.  Wherever you go, you are surrounded by smiling Santa's, by holiday decorations, by endless carols blaring at work, at the supermarket, at the mall, by constant reminders that everyone is happy.  Except you.

But, you are not alone.  And you will get through it, although it may take a long time.

Time is your friend.  It was for me.  I hope it is for you.

Blue Christmas 2021

Today would have been my mother in law's 94th birthday.

This throwback is from December 9, 2009, the first time I wrote about "Blue Christmas".  Repeating this post has become a holiday tradition for this blog, because not everyone has a happy holiday season.

We've had several instances of deaths around the holidays in my family.  My father in law died overnight on Christmas, 1998.  In 2015, our family (inlaws) experienced holiday death in the family again when brother in law's mother in law passed away right after Thanksgiving.  In 2018, my mother in law died the day after Thanksgiving.  Two weeks later, a first cousin passed away after a brief hospitalization.  Needless to say, we aren't the only ones sharing in this type of trauma.

But none of us ever dreamed we would spend almost two years in a pandemic.

Now this sorrow is shared by the families of over 800,000 people in the United States. Not only that, but there is the "hidden pandemic" - all the children who have lost one or both primary caregivers due to COVID-19.

The secular Christmas, the Christmas of shopping, spending, decorating, and eating seems to be more intense this year than in a long time.  For those left out, it is more painful than ever.  What my family went through pales in comparison.

My writing has become more polished over the years but I am not going to do any editing.  This voice from the past is speaking to me, and I hope its message will help some of my readers.

Here's the post from 2009.

Tis the Season....for Sadness

Happy Holidays!

No, that's not true.

The holidays are not happy for everyone. 

11 years ago December 25.....  Spouse and I were at my in-laws on Christmas Day.  They live about 150 miles from where we live.  We had a nice day with other family members, and settled down to watch "It's a Wonderful Life"  with my mother in law and father in law.  Then we went to bed.

My father in law never woke up.  He died during the night of a massive heart attack, his third.

Imagine my mother in law, spending the day after Christmas arranging for the funeral of her husband of nearly 50 years.    The decisions that had to be made quickly, oh so quickly.  The little things, like flowers being almost impossible to come by (flowers being a part of their culture's funeral tradition).  Or us having to borrow clothes for the funeral-most people don't visit for Christmas with black clothes in their suitcase!  Those little details, in a sea of all the major details, on a holiday weekend.

The family gathered again but this time for a much sadder occasion.  Many people came to the funeral home, and it was a great comfort.  But then everyone had to go home, including us.

And then the next Christmas rolled around.  It was not easy.  But we survived, and each year it became easier.  My mother in law has established her independence, and enjoys Christmas with family.

It never goes away but it does become easier.  Although, I have never watched "It's a Wonderful Life" again.

Years ago I worked with someone whose husband died from cancer on Thanksgiving.  In my youth I couldn't understand why Thanksgiving was so hard for her.

Now I understand.

"Blue Christmas" is more than an Elvis song.  For those who have experienced loss:  loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, loss of a job, the holidays can be so hard to survive, even if you are not a Christian.  Wherever you go, you are surrounded by smiling Santa's, by holiday decorations, by endless carols blaring at work, at the supermarket, at the mall, by constant reminders that everyone is happy.  Except you.

But, you are not alone.  And you will get through it, although it may take a long time.

Time is your friend.  It was for me.  I hope it is for you.

Fighting the Season for Sadness

You may think it's too early to think about Christmas.  After all, today is Election Day and I should be writing about elections and voting.  Not "The Holidays".

You'd be wrong about Christmas not being here yet.

All over the grocery stores, Christmas candy quickly took over the Halloween seasonal aisles.

Our local large grocery store, I noticed today, has already installed its Christmas wreath over the front entrance wall.

Well, more so than ever, Christmas is not a happy time for our family.


In 1998, my father in law died in his sleep on Christmas night.  In 2015, our family (inlaws) experienced holiday death in the family again when my brother in law's mother in law passed away right after Thanksgiving.  An aunt's sister died on Thanksgiving Day (November 26).

In 2018, my mother in law died on Black Friday (the day after the American Thanksgiving).   Two weeks later, one of my spouse's first cousins, someone he grew up with and knew all his life, died unexpectedly. Now those anniversaries draw near.

I so didn't want anything to do with Christmas last year that (with the help of an understanding cousin I will always be grateful to) spouse, son and I escaped to New York City (where the cousin lives) and did a bunch of non-Christmas things.

Even though I was sick for part of the visit, it has become a fond memory.


Now, it's time to remake holiday traditions.

Yes, now.  In 2019, even as we are telling relatives we don't want to exchange gifts this year. Maybe it's just time to step back.  So far, not that much blowback.  Well, a little.

Thanksgiving, we will do with pleasure.  I need to share a lot of gratitude.  After all, many have it worse than my spouse and me.  It's a major holiday for us.  Black Friday?  Well, we'll see.

Hanukkah, I will light the candles and visit Hanukkah House in Binghamton, New York (a seasonal museum), a tradition for myself and my spouse.

Christmas, we are hoping to have one of my spouse's cousins up here and also spend it with my autistic brother in law  No travel this year to see family.

The holidays.  Our way. We will not be bulldozed by what has become an out of control culture.

Do you face a similar situation?

Music Monday - Blue Christmas

Normally, on Mondays, I join a blog hop called "Music Monday".  This Monday, I am not going to join in because I won't be in a position to visit my fellow music lovers. 

However, I believe 100% in the healing powers of music, so I hope you will join me for a few moments of music that may help through hard times.

I guess by now I should be an expert on this kind of thing.  Twenty years ago, my father in law passed away the day after Christmas.  This year, my mother in law passed away the day after Thanksgiving.

I know that some (maybe many) of my readers have suffered loss during the holiday season.  It doesn't have to be death - there are so many kinds of losses and disappointments out there.  None of us pass through this world unscathed.  And it is hard, for those of us who have suffered loss, to go through a season where you are supposed to be merry and bright, but you see the world through sad-tinted eyes.

In the song Blue Christmas, Elvis sings about a Christmas without the one he loves.  I chose a live version with Martina McBride for this version.

I'll be back to Music Moves Me next Monday, hopefully.

Blue Christmas - #MusicMovesMe

Blue Christmas, by Elvis Presley.

The lyrics don't really match what I want to blog about today, but in a way, the title does.

If you love music, why don't you join Xmas Dolly and the other Elves under the mistletoe?

The Head Elf is XmasDolly.  Her co-elves are:  Callie of JAmerican Spice, and ♥Stacy of Stacy Uncorked♥   The Rockin' elf Cathy from Curious as a Cathy !


This throwback is from December 9, 2009, the first time I wrote about "Blue Christmas".  Repeating this post has become a holiday tradition for this blog, because not everyone has a happy holiday season.

In 2015, our family (inlaws) experienced holiday death in the family again. My brother in law's mother in law passed away right after Thanksgiving.  An aunt's sister died on Thanksgiving Day (November 26) .

I was so tired, for various reasons, that I never even decorated that year.

This year, I wanted to share with my friends at Music Moves Me.   My mother in law, who is 90, had a hospital experience last week that has become the norm for too many of our seniors.  It would be too exhausting to write about now. So we are going through another Blue Christmas.

My writing has become more polished over the years but I am not going to do any editing.  This voice from the past is speaking to me, and I hope its message will help some of my readers.

Here's the post from 2009.

Tis the Season....for Sadness

Happy Holidays!

No, that's not true.

The holidays are not happy for everyone. 

11 years ago December 25.....  Spouse and I were at my in-laws on Christmas Day.  They live about 150 miles from where we live.  We had a nice day with other family members, and settled down to watch "It's a Wonderful Life"  with my mother in law and father in law.  Then we went to bed.

My father in law never woke up.  He died during the night of a massive heart attack, his third.

Imagine my mother in law, spending the day after Christmas arranging for the funeral of her husband of nearly 50 years.    The decisions that had to be made quickly, oh so quickly.  The little things, like flowers being almost impossible to come by (flowers being a part of their culture's funeral tradition).  Or us having to borrow clothes for the funeral-most people don't visit for Christmas with black clothes in their suitcase!  Those little details, in a sea of all the major details, on a holiday weekend.

The family gathered again but this time for a much sadder occasion.  Many people came to the funeral home, and it was a great comfort.  But then everyone had to go home, including us.

And then the next Christmas rolled around.  It was not easy.  But we survived, and each year it became easier.  My mother in law has established her independence, and enjoys Christmas with family.

It never goes away but it does become easier.  Although, I have never watched "It's a Wonderful Life" again.

Years ago I worked with someone whose husband died from cancer on Thanksgiving.  In my youth I couldn't understand why Thanksgiving was so hard for her.

Now I understand.

"Blue Christmas" is more than an Elvis song.  For those who have experienced loss:  loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, loss of a job, the holidays can be so hard to survive, even if you are not a Christian.  Wherever you go, you are surrounded by smiling Santa's, by holiday decorations, by endless carols blaring at work, at the supermarket, at the mall, by constant reminders that everyone is happy.  Except you.

But, you are not alone.  And you will get through it, although it may take a long time.

Time is your friend.  It was for me.  I hope it is for you.

Throwback Thursday - Blue Christmas

This throwback is from December 9, 2009, the first time I wrote about "Blue Christmas".  Repeating this post has become a holiday tradition for this blog, because not everyone has a happy holiday season.

In 2015, our family (inlaws) experienced holiday death in the family again. My brother in law's mother in law passed away right after Thanksgiving.  An aunt's sister died on Thanksgiving Day (November 26) .

I was so tired, for various reasons, that I never even decorated last year.

My writing has become more polished over the years but I am not going to do any editing.  This voice from the past is speaking to me, and I hope its message will help some of my readers.

Here's the post from 2009.

Tis the Season....for Sadness

Happy Holidays!

No, that's not true.

The holidays are not happy for everyone. 

11 years ago December 25.....  Spouse and I were at my in-laws on Christmas Day.  They live about 150 miles from where we live.  We had a nice day with other family members, and settled down to watch "It's a Wonderful Life"  with my mother in law and father in law.  Then we went to bed.

My father in law never woke up.  He died during the night of a massive heart attack, his third.

Imagine my mother in law, spending the day after Christmas arranging for the funeral of her husband of nearly 50 years.    The decisions that had to be made quickly, oh so quickly.  The little things, like flowers being almost impossible to come by (flowers being a part of their culture's funeral tradition).  Or us having to borrow clothes for the funeral-most people don't visit for Christmas with black clothes in their suitcase!  Those little details, in a sea of all the major details, on a holiday weekend.

The family gathered again but this time for a much sadder occasion.  Many people came to the funeral home, and it was a great comfort.  But then everyone had to go home, including us.

And then the next Christmas rolled around.  It was not easy.  But we survived, and each year it became easier.  My mother in law has established her independence, and enjoys Christmas with family.

It never goes away but it does become easier.  Although, I have never watched "It's a Wonderful Life" again.

Years ago I worked with someone whose husband died from cancer on Thanksgiving.  In my youth I couldn't understand why Thanksgiving was so hard for her.

Now I understand.

"Blue Christmas" is more than an Elvis song.  For those who have experienced loss:  loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, loss of a job, the holidays can be so hard to survive, even if you are not a Christian.  Wherever you go, you are surrounded by smiling Santa's, by holiday decorations, by endless carols blaring at work, at the supermarket, at the mall, by constant reminders that everyone is happy.  Except you.

But, you are not alone.  And you will get through it, although it may take a long time.

Time is your friend.  It was for me.  I hope it is for you.

Throwback Thursday - Tis the Season - For Sadness

This throwback is from December 9, 2009, the first time I wrote about "Blue Christmas".

Not everyone has a happy holiday season.

Now, our family (inlaws) has experienced holiday death in the family again. My brother in law's mother in law passed away a week ago Tuesday.   And my aunt (by marriage)'s sister died on Thanksgiving Day (November 26) .  So, I thought it would be timely to rerun this first Blue Christmas post.

I'm not even sure I will decorate.  I will certainly keep things simple.

My writing has become more polished over the years but I am not going to do any editing.  This voice from the past is speaking to me, and I hope its message will help some of my readers.

Tis the Season....for Sadness

Happy Holidays!

No, that's not true.

The holidays are not happy for everyone. 

11 years ago December 25.....  Spouse and I were at my in-laws on Christmas Day.  They live about 150 miles from where we live.  We had a nice day with other family members, and settled down to watch "It's a Wonderful Life"  with my mother in law and father in law.  Then we went to bed.

My father in law never woke up.  He died during the night of a massive heart attack, his third.

Imagine my mother in law, spending the day after Christmas arranging for the funeral of her husband of nearly 50 years.    The decisions that had to be made quickly, oh so quickly.  The little things, like flowers being almost impossible to come by (flowers being a part of their culture's funeral tradition).  Or us having to borrow clothes for the funeral-most people don't visit for Christmas with black clothes in their suitcase!  Those little details, in a sea of all the major details, on a holiday weekend.

The family gathered again but this time for a much sadder occasion.  Many people came to the funeral home, and it was a great comfort.  But then everyone had to go home, including us.

And then the next Christmas rolled around.  It was not easy.  But we survived, and each year it became easier.  My mother in law has established her independence, and enjoys Christmas with family.

It never goes away but it does become easier.  Although, I have never watched "It's a Wonderful Life" again.

Years ago I worked with someone whose husband died from cancer on Thanksgiving.  In my youth I couldn't understand why Thanksgiving was so hard for her.

Now I understand.

"Blue Christmas" is more than an Elvis song.  For those who have experienced loss:  loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, loss of a job, the holidays can be so hard to survive, even if you are not a Christian.  Whereever you go, you are surrounded by smiling Santa's, by holiday decorations, by endless carols blaring at work, at the supermarket, at the mall, by constant reminders that everyone is happy.  Except you.

But, you are not alone.  And you will get through it, although it may take a long time.

Time is your friend.  It was for me.  I hope it is for you.

How To Cope With Holiday Grief

What we call the holiday season is not always joyous.
Today, my brother in law's mother in law passed away. 

My family is no stranger to grief during the holiday season.  My father in law passed away on Christmas night.  This will be a difficult holiday season for some of our family members once again.


For all of humanity, coping with grief while others celebrate is a complex issue.

How do you support those who are grieving during a holiday?

Some Christian congregations, recognizing the stress those grieving during the holiday season undergo, started what are called "Blue Christmas" services.  Commonly, these are held on December 21, the longest night of the year in the Western Hemisphere.

For Orthodox Jews, people mourning their parents are expected to abstain from certain joyous occasions for a year after death.  For other family members, the time frame is shorter.

Muslims also find ways to manage grief and religious observances.

So, how else do people in our situation cope with grief during a holiday?  This is some advice from my previous experience when my father in law died.  I am not a mental health care worker or a physician; just a layperson who has been through it.  This is what worked for me.

First and foremost, talk if you feel the need.  Share good memories.

Have a good cry if it helps.  There is no shame in crying.

Lower your expectations.  Do holiday traditions help your grief or increase it?  If increase, then this year is not the time for it.  You keep it simple.

You cut back social obligations and only do what you feel comfortable doing.

You are kind to yourself and other family members.

You seek out support from those who have been there before you.

You realize that the pain will always be there, but it will diminish.  The night my father in law died, in the late 1990's, we watched the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" with him.  It was one of my favorite movies.  I never watched it again, but last year, I honored his memory by visiting Seneca Falls, NY (the residents there believe the fictional Bedford Falls was modeled after their city) and taking part in an annual festival that celebrates the movie.

Today is an international Giving Tuesday, which has become a movement for both charitable giving during the holiday season, and for donating hours or volunteer work to non profits.

This year, when you give, please consider supporting those who do not find the December holiday season a time of joy.

Have you suffered a loss during a holiday time?  How did you cope?

Best of AM - When It's Not The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

This has been a strange holiday season. We were late getting cards out, and I've talked to other people who have been late.  We have only gotten a couple - like everyone is waiting to see who has sent them one.

Or, perhaps, everyone is using Facebook and we've reached some kind of "tipping point".

It doesn't seem like people are decorating the way they usually do - or maybe it's just a local aberration.

Today, I am bringing you a post from last year.  I re learned an important lesson right before Christmas last year, and I wanted to share it with my readers again. 

What we call The Holidays are not a happy time for everyone.  We had a death in our family a week before Christmas last year and it was a stressful time for other reasons.  We need to be gentle with each other and with ourselves.

Update:  the relative with cancer had a good outcome - it was caught early and tests show she is now cancer free- something we are all grateful for.

When It's Not the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I was mentally exhausted last night.

A challenging day at work. A conversation with a dental surgeon's office that left me feeling at loose ends, unsure what to do next.  I am trying to juggle a pending dental problem with the fact that I will have caregiving duties for a relative with cancer in the near future, causing me to be away from home for a few days.

After work, spouse takes me to pick up new glasses.  We crawl through holiday traffic.  After glasses, a trip to Sams Club to pick up food for Christmas Eve. Another crawl through holiday traffic. Upon arrival at Sams Club we see a number of registers closed, and long lines have gathered at the other registers.  We pay for the privilege of shopping there - why can't they afford labor to shorten the lines?

Tired, stressed people look at each other as they wait patiently to be checked out. We make our selections and join the line. Finally, after a million years or so, we are free to leave.

Still another crawl through holiday traffic, only to find, when we get home, that we missed a call from the oncologist's office. We needed information, some information had conflicted with other information we had gotten from a different person in the office, and person #2 had asked person #1 to call us.  Now we had missed person #1's call and #1 person was going to be off tomorrow.  Try again Monday....

My new glasses hurt.

It's all part of what we call The Holidays here in the United States. The Holidays are that time between Halloween and New Years Day when we are supposed to be happy but instead, too many times, we are just plain stressed.  I will tell you what I would like to do with the man who sings "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!" (it involves termination with extreme prejudice, in particularly inventive ways.)

But I read a blog post after I got home with various tips on how to reduce stress during the Holidays.  And I thought - I needed to think about what else had happened yesterday.

I thought about the nurse at my family dentist's office and the good news she gave me after I didn't know what to do after talking to the surgeon's office.

I thought about the woman in front of us on that long Sam's Club line and how she insisted we, with our four items, go ahead of her. She must have been just as tired as we were.

I thought about the people at the oncologist's office, who have been patient with us as we try to learn the ropes of dealing with cancer on a closer level than either my spouse or I (neither of us have ever had cancer) have ever experienced.

I thought about the co worker I wouldn't see until after the New Year, and when I wished her a Merry Christmas, she hugged me.

I thought about my spouse cooking dinner for me.

Not that we have a whirl of parties and other events to begin with (that isn't our style) but we are trying to take care of ourselves in small ways.  Perhaps buying pre made and not making ourselves.  Asking a family member to shorten Christmas dinner and make the start time a little earlier.

We will try to care of ourselves, and take it one day at a time.  And those glasses? I've put them aside for now. I will get them adjusted, but all in good time.

Do the Holidays stress you out?

When It's Not It the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I was mentally exhausted last night.

A challenging day at work. A conversation with a dental surgeon's office that left me feeling at loose ends, unsure what to do next.  I am trying to juggle a pending dental problem with the fact that I will have caregiving duties for a relative with cancer in the near future, causing me to be away from home for a few days.

After work, spouse takes me to pick up new glasses.  We crawl through holiday traffic.  After glasses, a trip to Sams Club to pick up food for Christmas Eve. Another crawl through holiday traffic. Upon arrival at Sams Club we see a number of registers closed, and long lines have gathered at the other registers.  We pay for the privilege of shopping there - why can't they afford labor to shorten the lines?

Tired, stressed people look at each other as they wait patiently to be checked out. We make our selections and join the line. Finally, after a million years or so, we are free to leave.

Still another crawl through holiday traffic, only to find, when we get home, that we missed a call from the oncologist's office. We needed information, some information had conflicted with other information we had gotten from a different person in the office, and person #2 had asked person #1 to call us.  Now we had missed person #1's call and #1 person was going to be off tomorrow.  Try again Monday....

My new glasses hurt.

It's all part of what we call The Holidays here in the United States. The Holidays are that time between Halloween and New Years Day when we are supposed to be happy but instead, too many times, we are just plain stressed.  I will tell you what I would like to do with the man who sings "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!" (it involves termination with extreme prejudice, in particularly inventive ways.)

But I read a blog post after I got home with various tips on how to reduce stress during the Holidays.  And I thought - I needed to think about what else had happened yesterday.

I thought about the nurse at my family dentist's office and the good news she gave me after I didn't know what to do after talking to the surgeon's office.

I thought about the woman in front of us on that long Sam's Club line and how she insisted we, with our four items, go ahead of her. She must have been just as tired as we were.

I thought about the people at the oncologist's office, who have been patient with us as we try to learn the ropes of dealing with cancer on a closer level than either my spouse or I (neither of us have ever had cancer) have ever experienced.

I thought about the co worker I wouldn't see until after the New Year, and when I wished her a Merry Christmas, she hugged me.

I thought about my spouse cooking dinner for me.

Not that we have a whirl of parties and other events to begin with (that isn't our style)but we are trying to take care of ourselves in small ways.  Perhaps buying premade and not making ourselves.  Asking a family member to shorten Christmas dinner and make the start time a little earlier.

We will try to care of ourselves, and take it one day at a time.  And those glasses? I've put them aside for now. I will get them adjusted, but all in good time.

Do the Holidays stress you out?

Best of AM - Tis the Season - for Sadness

This is a blog post I originally wrote in December of 2009, updated slightly at the end.  This is not going to be a happy Christmas for my spouse's family, which brings back a memory of many years ago.  The subject of Blue Christmases came up in a family conversation yesterday, with a family member feeling guilty because she hasn't sent any cards out this season.

The holidays are not a happy time for everyone, and this post is dedicated to everyone in that situation this year. 

I will ask only one thing from my readers: If you know someone in that situation, reach out to them, even in a small way.  It will mean so much to them.

Tis the Season....for Sadness

Happy Holidays!

No, that's not true.

The holidays are not happy for everyone. 

11 years ago December 25.....  Spouse and I were at my in-laws on Christmas Day.  They live about 150 miles from where we live.  We had a nice day with other family members, and settled down to watch "It's a Wonderful Life"  with my mother in law and father in law.  Then we went to bed.

My father in law never woke up.  He died during the night of a massive heart attack, his third.

Imagine my mother in law, spending the day after Christmas arranging for the funeral of her husband of nearly 50 years.    The decisions that had to be made quickly, oh so quickly.  The little things, like flowers being almost impossible to come by (flowers being a part of their culture's funeral tradition).  Or us having to borrow clothes for the funeral-most people don't visit for Christmas with black clothes in their suitcase!  Those little details, in a sea of all the major details, on a holiday weekend.

The family gathered again but this time for a much sadder occasion.  Many people came to the funeral home, and it was a great comfort.  But then everyone had to go home, including us.

And then the next Christmas rolled around.  It was not easy.  But we survived, and each year it became easier.  My mother in law has established her independence, and enjoys Christmas with family.

It never goes away but it does become easier.  Although, I have never watched "It's a Wonderful Life" again.

Years ago I worked with someone whose husband died from cancer on Thanksgiving.  In my youth I couldn't understand why Thanksgiving was so hard for her.

Now I understand.

"Blue Christmas" is more than an Elvis song.  For those who have experienced loss:  loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, loss of a job, the holidays can be so hard to survive, whether or not you are a Christian.  Wherever you go, you are surrounded by smiling Santas, by holiday decorations, by endless carols blaring at work, at the supermarket, at the mall, by constant reminders that everyone is happy.  Except you.

But, you are not alone.  And you will get through it, although it may take a long time.

Time is your friend.  It was for me, and my family, after the events of 2009.  It will be again.

I just need to tell that to myself, again and again.

The Bluest Holiday Evening of All

I was planning to blog today about "Blue Christmas" - those who feel pain during the Christmas season due to tragedy in their lives. One of my Facebook friends - a lovely woman I have never met but I used to play FarmVille with - was feeling a lot of pain.  One of her sons died a couple of years ago, and she was missing him deeply.

Tonight, after the unthinkable happened earlier today in Newtown, Connecticut, all I can think about is the unimaginable amount of pain the residents are in tonight.  The surviving children who were in that elementary school today had their childhoods stolen from them today.  A mother is dead at the hands of her son.  An older brother was falsely accused of an unspeakable crime.  The entire country is sending the affected families prayers tonight, but few of us can even begin to imagine what those people are going through right now.

A President cried publicly.  Hardened police officials allowed their emotions to show.

We all struggle to try to understand.  When I came home from work tonight, my Facebook wall was full of reactions. We will struggle for a long time.  I suspect we will never fully understand.

I don't have anything new, anything profound, anything imaginative, to add to the discussion that is going to be taking place in the coming hours and days. 

All I can do is add my voice to the voice of many other Americans tonight.  The people of Newtown are in my thoughts this bluest holiday evening of all.

A Blue and Purple Christmas

I wanted to share one more Christmas tree with you from the Owego, NY Christmas Tree auction that ended December 17.

This blog post is dedicated to two people I know who were diagnosed with cancer this past November, just before the holidays.  A reminder, in this season of joy, that bad things can happen and those people need the support of their loved ones more than ever.  Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in the busyness and forget the people who need you the most.

The American Cancer Society says that it fights for less cancer and "more birthdays".  So in honor of that, someone created this tree for the Owego Christmas Tree auction I've blogged about several times recently.

 "Blue Christmas" isn't just a song made famous by Elvis.  It is something real, because Christmas can be a very sad time for a lot of people. To those people in my life (including another friend, and reader of my blog, whose husband passed away from cancer earlier this year), I send good thoughts your way today.

Tomorrow, a different take on Christmas.

The Country of Cancer

This has not been a good few weeks for a couple of people I know.

Without going into any kind of specifics, in the past week, I have found out that a friend I have had since childhood, and someone I've known locally for a number of years, have cancer.  In one instance, the "patient" knows the cancer will be fatal - the question is when.  For the other person, that "patient" is in the middle of testing to find out the exact details. The question for that person will be if it was found early enough because that cancer does not have a high survival rate. 

Both of these people are highly educated - one has a masters degree. The other worked at one time in the medical field.  Both are taxpayers.

One is a reader of this blog. 

I do not like to get political in this blog, but I am going to make an exception today. And I am going to run a bit longer than I normally do.  Please bear with me.

It takes a village to support someone with cancer, and our country is doing a horrible job of it.

You can have the best of insurance and still find yourself in the position of trying to pay overwhelming medical bills.  If you don't have "Cadillac" insurance, that old Buick insurance isn't going to get you very far.

What your caretaker(s) are going to end up with is an overwhelming pile of paperwork.  There are programs to help pay the bills out there, and those programs are going to require everything short of your firstborn son.  I'm not talking government programs here necessarily - I am talking nonprofit programs for co-pay relief, charities, programs run by the pharmaceutical company, programs run (perhaps) by where you are receiving treatment.

Government?  Well - there's the Department of Health and Human Services and Social Security, too. (and some people want to abolish them, don't they?) There's Medicare.  Just as a reminder, Medicare is a program of our Federal Government.

Need assistance?  You'd better have your income tax returns, your insurance card(s), your checking account statements, your savings account statements, your pay stubs, and about 50 or so other things (or so it will seem), all at the ready.  Make lots of copies because you are going to need them.  Stock up on stamps.  Hope you have a decent computer, and lots of time on your hands when you don't feel like absolute crud.

The caretaker and the cancer patient must struggle to pay those bills while juggling (maybe) a job, (definitely) either chemo, radiation, or both, and lots of issues.  Sounds like a job for the son or daughter of Superman.  If they are only human, and fallible, they are in trouble.  Do you know any of the children of Superman?  I don't.

Suddenly a caretaker?  There are federal job protections but we know how that can work, depending on how decent your employer is.  Cynical?  I personally know someone who was a caretaker for her father, and lost her job because of it.  The person wasn't a resident of New York State but she could have been. It does happen. 

We have a seriously broken system. We expect people to do all these things while fighting a dread illness.  Fighting that illness should be the first priority.  Financing that struggle should not be part of it.

But too many times, it is.

It hurts, but in our holiday season, it hurts more.  In an area recovering from a natural disaster like we are here in upstate NY, it hurts even more.

In the United States, we call ourselves "the greatest country in the world".

But, they and the people who care for them can rant all they want, but that cancer patient and his/her family needs help and ranting won't (so to speak) pay the rent.

So they will buckle down like so many others have done before them,  and walk that path of nails.  If they are lucky they will have a lot of support of family and friends.  But not everyone has that.  There are too many cracks to fall through for the citizens of this "greatest country of the world".

Become politically active, you say? It's hard to advocate for change when you are in a survival situation.

Observe it well.  Educate yourself.  Unless things change, the next time this dread disease knocks, one of us bystanders may be answering that door.

Have any of my readers been advocates or in this type of situation?  I would love to know what worked for you.

The Buying Dilemma

It's a very popular thing right now to "Buy American":  we must maintain our manufacturing base, and save jobs for Americans.  Most of us, in this Christmas shopping season, have received email pleas from friends and relatives.  I've been trying to "buy local" (or at least "Made in the U.S.A.") for several years now.

But sometimes the choice is hard.

When we visited the State of Maine back in September, we were impressed by the pains the people of Maine took to promote items "made in Maine".  There were a number of stores in the Portland and Brunswick, ME areas specializing in Maine-made merchandise:  everything from mustard to Poland Springs water and vodka to blankets to balsam pillows to toothpaste.  Supermarkets featured local foods and beverages in special displays.

But we also found that enough of the merchandise in a Maine institution, Renys, was not made in the U.S.A.

Too many times now, people who want to do right by their fellow Americans face a choice:

Buy merchandise not made in the United States from a local business?

Or buy American from a national chain?

I've wanted to "buy local" in light of the devastating floods that hit our part of upstate NY in September but I am finding that choice isn't so simple.

On Black Friday, we found an area rug in our local Kohl's, on a great sale, and proudly made by Mohawk in the U.S.A.

But in a local gift store in nearby Owego, a town hard hit by the flood, we tried our best to replace Christmas ornaments destroyed in the flood - and found that the majority of the ornaments - and all the patriotic ornaments - were made in China.

Should we have skipped the rug because it was being sold by a large national chain? (no, we bought it.)

Should we have passed on the China-made Christmas ornaments? (this one was harder but we did buy some.)

What about the local Home Depot?  National chain, blocks from our house, hit hard by the flood of September 8, reopened the day before Thanksgiving.  On Black Friday we were there at 5:05 a.m., passing under a sign saying "Welcome Back, Friends!".  The store was mobbed, and I would bet that some of those employees welcoming us had lost their homes in the flood.  They would have lost their jobs, too, if Home Depot had "hung it up".  (we still try to buy in a locally owned hardware store when possible but some of those Black Friday specials were irresistible.)

These decisions come nearly every day.  Today, I needed a new dish drainboard - and I ended up buying a made in U.S.A. product from Sterlite, in a national chain store (Target). The price was slightly higher than the Rubbermaid (made in China) but I gladly paid it.  But still, it wasn't from a small business. 

In other words, this decision - like so much in life - isn't that simple.  All I can hope is that I make the right decisions with my hard earned shopping dollars.

Festivus

Festivus may be the only holiday created by a TV show. To be exact, a Seinfeld episode from 1997.  I don't formally celebrate it, although I do know a couple of people who do.  If I had to be totally honest (and you are supposed to be) I didn't even watch Seinfeld that much.  But I should.  Honest.

Festivus is a holiday for the "rest of us", the people burnt out by the total Overchristmasization of today's United States.  And, I can identify with that more and more each year.  Maybe next year I will be celebrating it.  Somehow, this year I feel so tired, so......and yet I have so much to be grateful for, such as still being employed.

For those not familiar with Festivus:

Festivus is celebrated every December 23 and has several aspects. 

First is the Festivus pole, always made of aluminum.  It is undecorated, as opposed to a Christmas Tree.  But strong.

Then is the Festivus dinner.  At the beginning of the dinner is the Airing of Grievances. Each participant tells each family member and friend how that person disappointed him/her.  However, if you extended this to other aspects of life...well, again it may just be my sour mood but I could really dump on some aspects of my daily life.  But not family.  To paraphrase, "I've got a lot of problems with certain things, and you are going to hear about it!"

I could recite a long list but basically I think our society is becoming more and more mean spirited each year.  And selfish, self-absorbed and a few other things.  We follow every detail of the Hollywood Stars lives, and musicians who don't even deserve the name, but we ignore those in our back yards who need friends more than ever.  Our news channels have turned into entertainment news.  We have lost our will to excel.

I saw a segment on CNN recently that dealt with-how much to tip your doorman!!   That's news?  That's relevant to most people in this country?  What about unemployment, lack of medical insurance, the burgeoning national debt, our borrowing and selling ourselves to China, and boring stuff like that?

History does repeat itself, friends.

Which brings us to the last event, the Feats of Strength.  After the head of the family is pinned to the ground in a match of strength, dinner is over.

Happy Festivus, I guess.  Hopefully I will cheer up once the sun decides to reappear, sometime next year.

A Binghamton Blue Christmas

My heart and prayers go out to several people I know, or know through other people, this holiday season.

There is the beautician I blogged about several months ago, whose teenage son was partially paralyzed in a car accident earlier this year, not long after he got his drivers license.  I had my hair done earlier this month, and this young man was in the back yelling out demands.  When his mother (who was cutting my hair at the time) didn't immediately respond, the "f" bomb and other comments followed (directed at me as the customer).  It is obvious that my beautician is subject to the brunt of anger and other feelings from this young man.  I do not work in this field, so I do not have any bright ideas, but it took all of my willpower to not march back there and give him a piece of my mind.  The only reason why I didn't is because I don't know what it would have done for her except make things worse, probably.

I am not a stranger to the world of disabilities (my father suffered a tramatic brain injury before I was born) and I do want to help, but not in a misguided way.

Next, there is the woman who works at my company.  Her brother has cancer, and she offered to be a donor for the bone marrow transplant he needs.  At first (I don't know which) he refused but either he relented or she went ahead and got tested for suitability anyway.  And what did she find but....she has the same cancer.

She had been feeling very tired, had colds she couldn't shake, but had marked it down to getting old. (She's in her early 60's). 

My walking companion went to high school with her.  When I found this out yesterday, my companion was off, but when we all return to work Monday, I will have to find out if she knows more. 

I know this sounds like something from a bad novel, but you can't make this stuff up.

Finally, another person at work...the assistant pastor at his church, who has done much to build the congregation and does many youth activities, had a major stomach ache soon after Thanksgiving.  It was bad the first day, really bad the second, and he went to the doctor.  Later that week he is being operated on for stomach cancer.  From my family history of pancreatic cancer (and I also lost an aunt to stomach cancer) I know what the prognosis is.

These three people all need our prayers.  When I wrote the article on "Blue Christmas" in my company newsletter, I never dreamed of how soon it would be put into practice in real life.

Sorry You Lost Your Job-Here's a Card

Hallmark is no stranger to trying to sell cards during the recession.

And no stranger to layoffs, either.

So....

I was on the Hallmark site, sending some ecards this afternoon.  Hallmark has a nice selection of ecards-many cost 99 cents each, or you can buy an annual subscription and send unlimited card.  These are high quality ecards, too.

Here and there they offer free ecards.

I noticed that there was a "care and concern" catagory, and they offered some cards to console those who had lost their jobs.

Twenty four cards offered for the people wanting to console job losers. 

Perhaps I am in my "bah-humbug" mood (which will last until Christmas Eve, probably) but I should applaud Hallmark for owning up to the fact that times are tough and offering people a way to send a few moments of cheer or inspiration to someone they care about.  I personally don't think I would do this but the option is there for those who would.

I wish I had a clever ending for this post, but I don't.  I am lucky to have a job but I know others who don't, or who are sweating out whether they will be on the next layoff list. 

We can all hope this category shrinks substantially next year.  Why don't we go see next December?

Blue Christmas Continued

My recent entries on "Blue Christmas" encouraged me to write a little article for my company newsletter on the subject.  I wrote about those in pain, and gave some general suggestions I felt were appropriate, based on my own experience of 11 years ago when my father in law passed away during Christmas night.

I must have hit some kind of nerve; in the first several hours since it appeared I got two comments about it.   The article hadn't even been announced yet.  And, the person who takes contributions for the newsletter was interested in running it because she knew people in pain - people who had suffered recent losses.  The way we celebrate Christmas was causing them even more pain.

Obviously there is a need for a recognition out there of those who find only pain in the nonstop "all Christmas all the time" blitz our society subjects us to for a good three months of each year.  It is impossible to escape. 

It is good to see that churches are recognizing this, and hold "Blue Christmas" services.  And it is better seeing that many of these are open to those of all faiths, or no faiths.  Pain knows no religious boundary.

My heart goes out to all those "celebrating" a Blue Christmas this year.  May you find comfort, and may time help to heal your pain.