2022 Blue Christmas

This past weekend, we would have celebrated my mother in law's 95th birthday.

Repeating a post I first wrote in 2009 has become a holiday tradition for this blog, because not everyone has a happy holiday season.

We've had several instances of deaths around the holidays in my family.  My father in law died overnight on Christmas, 1998.  In 2015, our family (inlaws) experienced holiday death in the family again when brother in law's mother in law passed away right after Thanksgiving.  In 2018, my mother in law died the day after Thanksgiving.  Two weeks later, a first cousin of my husbands' passed away unexpectedly after a brief hospitalization.  We had just seen him at my mother inlaw's wake. 

Needless to say, we aren't the only ones sharing in this type of trauma.

But none of us ever dreamed we would spend over two years in a pandemic and another few months trying to reorient ourselves to what sounds like a cliche - our new normal.

Now, the sorrow of loss is shared by the families of over one million people in the United States, lost to us from COVID.. Not only that, but there is the "hidden pandemic" - all the children (over 140,000) who have lost one or both primary caregivers due to COVID-19. 

The secular Christmas, the Christmas of shopping, spending, decorating, and eating seems to be more intense this year than in a long time.  For those left out, it is more painful than ever.  What my family went through pales in comparison.

My writing has become more polished over the years but I am not going to do any editing.  This voice from the past is speaking to me, and I hope its message will help some of my readers.

Here's my original post from 2009. 

To those new to the club of Blue Christmas, I don't have much wisdom to impart to you.  I hope you find some value in the following.  Remember, your feelings are legitimate and everyone feels grief on their own schedule.  Grief does not take a holiday for The Holidays.

Tis the Season....for Sadness (unedited, from 2009)

Happy Holidays!

No, that's not true.

The holidays are not happy for everyone. 

11 years ago December 25.....  Spouse and I were at my in-laws on Christmas Day.  They live about 150 miles from where we live.  We had a nice day with other family members, and settled down to watch "It's a Wonderful Life"  with my mother in law and father in law.  Then we went to bed.

My father in law never woke up.  He died during the night of a massive heart attack, his third.

Imagine my mother in law, spending the day after Christmas arranging for the funeral of her husband of nearly 50 years.    The decisions that had to be made quickly, oh so quickly.  The little things, like flowers being almost impossible to come by (flowers being a part of their culture's funeral tradition).  Or us having to borrow clothes for the funeral-most people don't visit for Christmas with black clothes in their suitcase!  Those little details, in a sea of all the major details, on a holiday weekend.

The family gathered again but this time for a much sadder occasion.  Many people came to the funeral home, and it was a great comfort.  But then everyone had to go home, including us.

And then the next Christmas rolled around.  It was not easy.  But we survived, and each year it became easier.  My mother in law has established her independence, and enjoys Christmas with family.

It never goes away but it does become easier.  Although, I have never watched "It's a Wonderful Life" again.

Years ago I worked with someone whose husband died from cancer on Thanksgiving.  In my youth I couldn't understand why Thanksgiving was so hard for her.

Now I understand.

"Blue Christmas" is more than an Elvis song.  For those who have experienced loss:  loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, loss of a job, the holidays can be so hard to survive, even if you are not a Christian.  Wherever you go, you are surrounded by smiling Santa's, by holiday decorations, by endless carols blaring at work, at the supermarket, at the mall, by constant reminders that everyone is happy.  Except you.

But, you are not alone.  And you will get through it, although it may take a long time.

Time is your friend.  It was for me.  I hope it is for you.