The Changing of the Roles

Sunday, in the United States, was Father's Day.  We invited our son to come over for lunch.

After lunch, dessert, and some watching of a baseball game on TV, my spouse said "Son, there is a favor you can do me.  I have to get bags of salt for our water softener.  I was going to do that tomorrow, but I'm thinking, could we do that together today?"

"Sure", son responded. Off they went to a local big box store that sold the brand he needed, with me tagging behind.

I had a feeling how much asking for that favor cost my spouse.  When he was in his 20's and 30's and even 40's and  50's, my spouse was strong (and his hair was brown).  He had physical jobs that required constant lifting.  He was proud of his strength.  Hefting eight bags, 40 pounds (18.1 kg) each, of water softener salt pellets from the display, pushing the cart,  loading the car with them and bringing them down to the basement would have been an easy job if we had had the water softener.

But that was then.

A fall from about five years ago and wear and tear from all those years of physical labor have worked their way with his shoulders.  He can lift, but it is an effort.  And it would have taken a while.  Even six bags (there is a price break at six so that's what he normally buys) are a chore.

My son helped us with a couple of other things like a watering hose repair that needed parts at the same store. Then we headed home with the salt. 

My son works a job that is physical at times. He's in his 30's.

After he and spouse unloaded the car, and son carried the salt downstairs, son looked at his father and offered to add salt to the softening device. He then asked,  "How often do you have to do that?  How long does one bag of salt last?"

"About 11 days", spouse responded to the last question.  I could see my son's mental wheels turning.

We are fortunate.  Our son lives in the same county as we do although we realize that may not always be the case. We try not to ask for his help too much.

But, I wonder, when he looks at us, what does he see?

Does he see what we saw with his parents when they were our age?  A split screen of then and now?

His grandfather, my father in law, died at just about the same age as my spouse is now.  His other grandfather, my father, died about four years before my son was born, at just about that same age.

And yes, I think about that. And the "W" word.   A lot.   I know a number of women, in real life and on Facebook, that are members of the W club. Some of them have been for years.  One of them joined that club, overnight, just a couple of months ago.

I think my son is peering into the future. He's seeing the beginning of the changing of the roles.  We took care of him through his first 18 years or so.  One day...well, we'll see, but we were also caregivers for his mother her last few years. 

My son is an only child and I know it must weigh on him sometimes, just as it weighed on me starting at a certain age.

No one knows what the future holds.  Perhaps it's just as well.

Bette Davis once said "Old age ain't no place for sissies."  I don't feel like I'm old but I think the calendar would disagree with that.

We'll just do the best we can, and hope for many more Father's Days (and Mother's Days) with him.