He was my neighbor for 30 plus years. He was my friend on Facebook.
We (my spouse and I, he and his wife) spent a New Year's Eve with him once.
A retired telephone linesman, he was talented with his hands - besides jewelry, he also did chair caning. He embraced modern technology, too, using his computer. He used to email me sometimes.
He used to entertain me with stories of how the phone company worked years ago.
I blogged about him (and his wife) a couple of times.
But then, there's this:
He died almost two months ago, and I only found out yesterday. He had been in a nursing home, and there were occasional people posting on his Facebook wall, but no one ever mentioned that he had passed on. His house (one of his grandchildren and family have been living there) may well go on the market soon, I am guessing. He had lived there for over 50 years. He and his wife raised six children there.
The answer was simple - we had never connected with our new neighbors, his grandchild. So we never found out.
Dementia took this kind, generous man, and turned him into..well, someone different. Someone who didn't even know how old he was. He didn't deserve to die the way he did. His family tried to keep him at home as long as they could, but finally they no longer could.
I am so disconnected. Years ago, I knew all of my neighbors. We had them for years. But they have all moved away, or died. Years ago, you would meet outside your house. Now, everyone huddles inside, over laptops or phones.
At the present time, I know none of my neighbors. Self absorbed in our own problems? Something more than that? I'm a shy person. I'm not one to bake the cliched pie and show up on the doorstep of a new neighbor. But there are other ways. I've just not found a good one.
Have you?
Part of the issue may be our age. When folks have kids, the kids interact, we are outside with our kids, etc. Now, we don't hang around outside- unless we have a dog to walk. So, our interactions with our neighbors attenuate.
ReplyDeleteI know that when I lived in the city, there was a clear consensus that the only way to tolerate the constant views of each other was NOT to know anything about each other. In order to stay on the sort of terms where you'd make a 911 call for neighbors, take their mail to them if it was dropped into your box, let them use your phone in an emergency, etc., it was valuable not to know..."Right, somebody at #1001 Next Street is called Jones, we know because we get their mail by mistake, but which or how many of them are called Jones I have no earthly idea." I can say, not without pride, that I don't know the names of anyone who lived next door, across the street, or in the same block/row, from any place I rented in the city.
ReplyDeleteFor those who do want to take the plunge and have urban or suburban neighbors turn into de facto roommates, there are always neighborhood watch groups. You can chat at parties or while patrolling in pairs. This is good for the neighborhood but I'm not recommending it for the actual neighborly relationship.
My downstairs neighbor just passed away. She actually was a friend, not close but we would talk gardening in the hallway every now and then. I'd heard that she wasn't well but I didn't know how bad it was and I've been so swamped at work that I didn't make the tiny little effort it would've taken to ask the building staff.
ReplyDeleteWe're so connected on the internet - the real world takes a little more work sometimes, doesn't it?
I'm sorry for the loss of your neighbor. Sounds like a lovely man, and what a great thing to help your son with that necklace!
Sorry for your loss, Alana. and I understand the disconnect.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same..years ago we knew every person on the whole street....now I know the one person that lives to the right of me...maybe thats what's wrong with the world today...or at least one of the things...
ReplyDeleteI, too, am terrible at talking to my neighbors. Perhaps you should throw a getting-to-know-you block party.
ReplyDeleteI do think life has changed a bit. In my youth, the middle of the street was the ball field on most summer nights. Parents sat on their porches and watched us play. Everyone knew everyone. When we were married with children, it changed somewhat, because there were older people on the street and no games occurring. But we would bike to our friends homes or go to the park. When those older people died, we did know about it--but usually later. We do need connection. It's good on so many levels.
ReplyDeleteI know the neighbor on one side. A younger, single woman with kids who play with my grandkids.
ReplyDeleteI guess it depends on the density of your neighborhood. Some folks can't even see their neighbors' houses. In a more dense neighborhood I'd be likely to roll the window down one day while passing them getting the mail or whatever and introduce myself. And then see if there is a connection that leads to a friendship. It's always good to know your neighbors at least for emergency sake!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss, Alana. It's the same everywhere. Times have changed dramatically. Earlier, everyone knew everyone around them, but now that's not the case. We are too engrossed in our own lives and are busy interacting virtually than in real life.
ReplyDeleteI think one of the joys in living in India where everyone's business is everyone's business is that you automatically get to know your neighbours. For us, breaking ice comes easy -just knock and ask for some sugar/salt or milk. You could say hello to their children / dog or cat. BTW do you ever get my comments because I never get replies from you
ReplyDeleteI have gotten very behind on commenting, between a fall my husband took in October and back issues (and my own fall)in the past 6 weeks or so. I've been trying to keep up my daily blogging, and I apologize that my responding has not been what it should be.
DeleteIt depends on. I too not close with my neighbor though i love friends. Loved reading your post.
ReplyDeleteI hear you, I know what you are talking about. I know two of my neighbors just barely because I used to work with them. The others I don't know who they are.
ReplyDeleteMy Dad died in August at 89 years old in a town he had lived in over 30 years. He was in assisted living and he told me that he guessed that he wasn't as close to his friends as he thought he was because they hadn't visited him in a long time. Just really sad.